Ask a Nerdfighter

Anonymous asked: I really like this guy. Problem number 1: He's my friends ex. Problem number 2: He's got a girlfriend. I feel like such a terrible person, but its not like im going to act on it AT ALL. The thing is he flirts with me quite a bit. Well at least I think he does. Am I a horrible horrible person?

No, you are not a horrible person! You’ve done nothing wrong- as you said, you have no intention of acting on it. You can hardly be blamed for who you like. If you feel like something needs to change about your relationship with this guy, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him about it, but try not to beat yourself up over having feelings for someone. 

Anonymous asked: Okay so... I met this guy, "greg", who I still don't know very well. Soon after greg developed a crush on my friend "mary", I found out and told her, and greg got sorta upset but we talked it out and it brought us a little closer. But greg is CONVINCED the only reason mary turned him down is that she isn't over her ex (when she clearly told him she didn't/won’t have feelings for him). Now he keeps asking me to help her "get over him" so he has a shot. I'm not sure what I should tell him.

This is a tough one.  Being stuck in the middle is always an awkward place, and unfortunately, there really is no good way to fix this situation so no one gets hurt.

The best way to begin would probably be to “let him down easy.” Just reaffirm what Mary told him, that she doesn’t have feelings for him and make sure he knows that it’s probably best to respect her wishes.  Once he hears that it wasn’t just a front, he might actually take the hint.

Do this gently, because any time when matters of the heart are involved, it’s very easy for people to get upset and overreact.  If he thinks you’re lying to him and gets angry at you, then he’s probably not a good person to be friends with anyway.  If his friendship is something you really value, give him some time and then try to approach him.

Anonymous asked: You don't have to respond to this, I'm sure I'll be fine. But the most imprtant person in my life has told me she is cutting, and has notes, and if anything happens to her I am going to commit. I can't bare the thought of this world without her. I have cried about it everyday since she told me, and I don't know what to do her parents wont help and she can't do anything and I am so scared for both of us. I have started cutting again and I can't help if Im dead but I cant die after her, i justcant

I personally think that it’s really important not to minimize your own suffering- just because you will be fine doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt now. It hurts because it matters, and it hurts because you matter, and thusly even though it’s true that you will be fine- I believe that you can get through this- you are perfectly deserving of help and attention and anything that we here at askanerdfighter can do for you. 

I’m so sorry that you’re in this position, and I’m so sorry that your friend is in this place. I hope that she realizes just how much you care about her and how important she is to you, and I hope that she finds the strength and the ability to keep living side by side with you.

Even if her parents aren’t supportive, there are still things that you can do and things that she can do- there are other people in your lives who can help with things like this, like school counselors, teachers, coaches, etc. Find someone who you trust and confide what you’ve confided to me, or as much of it as you can, so that you can get her the help that she needs. You don’t have to go through this alone, and neither does she. 

I can’t tell you that everything’s going to be okay. I can’t tell you that your friend won’t take her own life- I don’t know her or what’s leading her to this place and I don’t know what’s going on- but I can tell you that you have the opportunity to help her, now. And you need to help yourself, too. Being scared is okay, but it’s not going to help you or her. Do the things that you need to do to keep yourself calm and able to do what you need to- and then use that strength that you have to help your friend do the same thing. 

You can’t control her actions or her thoughts, but you can control your own responses to them and to her. You can’t make her not be suicidal, and it’s important not to beat yourself up over her pain. Do what you can for her but try to keep yourself safe, too, and never forget that we are always here if there’s anything we can do to help you in any way.

I wish the best of luck to you and to your friend. 

Anonymous asked: This isn't me, its a friend I'm trying to help. She's struggled a lot with depression, but I'm not sure how serious it's gotten. All I know is that her parents refuse to acknowledge a problem. Another thing is that she hates our school and gets picked on a lot. She wants to go to this great alternative school nearby with a but her parents think it's "throwing away her education" and refuse to let her. They also won't take her to see a therapist, and the counselor at school hasn't been much help.

First I just want to say that I think it’s great that you care so much about your friend.  The most important thing for her to know right now is that she has people to support her and help her through anything.

It’s unfortunate that her parents refuse to accept that their daughter has a problem.  I assume she has tried to talk to them, but maybe by persisting, they will realize that it can’t simply be brushed under the rug. As for the school counselor, you could tell your friend to ask for phone numbers for therapists.  Maybe if she shows her parents how serious she is about this issue, they will be more receptive.  Maybe she can even have her parents come in to talk to the school counselor and that might also help.

If these things don’t work, she could look for depression support groups in your area, which could be very beneficial.

The most important thing for you to do is to continue being such a good friend, and show that you’ll always be there for her, even when other people are bullying her. You can give her several crisis hotline numbers (which we have posted on this page for reference) to call in case she ever needs it.  If she ever does gives any indication that she might be thinking of harming herself, do not hesitate to call an ambulance, tell the school nurse or counselor, do anything that will ensure that she has to talk about her problems, it could be the thing that saves her life.

If you need further advice or help I’m always here to help!

Anonymous asked: I am not good enough. I got an eighty six on a really important grade, and I wont be able to do anything about it. An 86 is horrible, and I hate myself forit. My intellect and grades and future is all I have. So an 86 is horrible and I wont get anywhere with those grades. I push myself so hard, and wear myself so thin that I cant stand to have a bad grade

An 86 is not as horrible as you are supposing; you will pass with an 86. You will pass with lots of room to spare. I know it’s difficult, and I can’t pretend to know your situation, but I urge you to think of what will happen as a result of this 86, and think of it practically and realistically. Will this 86 lead you to fail your course? Will this 86 dramatically affect the way that you live your life? Will this 86 lead to you living out on the street with no internet access or money or happiness or anything at all? No. This may not be a good grade, but it is not the end of the world, and it is not the end of your future, and it is not the end of your school career. 

What it is is a sign of your knowledge in a specific topic. It doesn’t necessarily describe your entire intellect or future, and it isn’t even your entire grade. You can do better in the future, and you have done better in the past, and it is okay to not do amazingly in school all the time. Don’t work yourself to a frenzy or stress endlessly if it’s in any way possible; your work will probably suffer for it. Focusing too much on this grade will also probably make your work worse in future; try to think positively and put effort into your work in the future, but not overwork yourself.

It’s going to be okay, no matter how many 86s you’ve gotten or how many you will get. You have options. You have choices. You have potential, and I wish you the best of luck. DFTBA!

Anonymous asked: I have few friends. I wish I had more but I find it so hard to make new ones. I don't really know how. How can I meet people? How do you suggest I go about making friends? I'm 15. DFTBA!

There are a lot of ways that you can meet people and make new friends! 

First off, it’s important to talk to all sorts of people and get to know them to see if they’d be nice people to be friends with. Talk to them about anything and everything and see what kinds of common interests you have! Obviously, school is a pretty major factor in your life at the age of 15 and you can find plenty of people who you share things with at your school, even if they aren’t always the things you expect. See if you can find another Nerdfighter!

Then, you can always enroll in extracurricular activities to find friends who share those same interests with you. Dancing, sports, choir, orchestra, visual arts, etc. are all great ways to meet new people. If you like theatre or singing, audition for something or take a workshop, etc.

You can also find friends at events for things that you like, like concerts, performances, conventions, etc. If you go to local events, then you can find friends that love all the things you do and also live nearby. Things like Tour de Nerdfighting are really amazing for connecting you with Nerdfighters who live in your same area!

Additionally, there are lots of ways to make friends over the internet! Just because they’re far away in person doesn’t mean that they can’t be awesome people to talk to and spend time with. I have lots of friends who I communicate with exclusively through sites like Facebook and Tumblr as well as through Skype and TinyChat. In fact, having online friends can actually be really amazing, especially if you normally have trouble talking to people and making a good first impression. It gives you the opportunity to take a minute to think of what you want to say before saying it and allows you to take a break from talking to people anytime you like. Plus, if you find your friends through their interests in things that you like, like Nerdfighteria or Harry Potter or Doctor Who, it’ll ensure that you always have things to talk about and share. 

Also, I love making new Nerdfighter friends, so you can always send me a message at johngreenismypatronus.tumblr.com/ask! DFTBA!

In reference to the John and Hank Green content schedule, I’m noticing the following pattern:

Monday - CrashCourse(Biology = Hank)

Tuesday - Vlogbrothers(John)

Wednesday -

Thursday - CrashCourse(History = John)

Friday - Vlogbrothers(Hank)

SciShow and Hankgames don’t appear to have a “set” schedule, as far as I can tell. Between the four channels, though, there seems to be John and Hank every day of the week.

johngreenismypatronus:

I know I say this all the time and I probably annoy you all with my repetition and my complete and utter sappiness, but I really must remind you of this again.

If you are going through hell I urge you to remember that you are not going through it alone. You are not alone. There are people who care about you, people who love you, people who understand the way you feel and can help you to be the person you want to be and feel the way you want to feel. The world contains more love than expected, and more hope, if you only remember to look for it. What you feel and think is completely legitimate but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be fought, that it isn’t worth fighting.

Should you ever need anything at all, I am here for you, and so many other people are here for you. No problem is too big or too small to talk about, and the best thing that you can do for yourself is to talk to someone, anyone, and if they don’t respond to you in the way that you need, talk to somebody else. Communicate with the people you love. Allow them to help you help yourself. I cannot stress enough that reaching out for help with your problems, small or large, secret or obvious, is the first and most important step to solving them. 

I can tell you that it will get better and I can tell you that love will triumph in the end (which may or may not be a lie, but if it’s a lie, it’s the most beautiful lie we have). I can tell you these things and you may or may not believe me but above all I will ask you, I will tell you, that there is still hope. No matter what is happening in your life or the lives of the people around you there is and always will be hope. The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy. 

Never hesitate to talk to me if there’s anything I can do for you or anything you need to say or hear or ask about. Please. ♥